Playing God
by smiling-out-of-fear
Summary: After getting bitten by a vampire Cartman's ready to start his new life until he realizes that he's going to outlive all his friends. He takes matters into his own hands and changes his friends and anyone of use to him into vampires to create his own coven, Cartman's Legion of Darkness. The others aren't too happy about Cartman playing god and shenanigans ensue.
1. Chapter 1

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Playing God

Chapter 1

 **Cartman**

It was so fucking cold. Too cold for September. It would all be worth it though, once I got my KFC. I was almost there.

I took the back way that leads behind the KFC it was way faster the the normal route. Actually driving was even faster but my piece of shit SUV was in the shop.

As I approach the KFC dumpster I see the alleyway that leads to the front of the KFC. Just as I turn into the alley I bump into something solid and cold.

"Hey watch where you're going asshole!" I yell.

The asshole is around my age. He's tall, actually lanky. His skin is pale, probably paler than Kyle's butt. He has a stupid douchebag boyband hair cut. He's silent and gives me a creepy ass smile. His teeth almost shine in the dim yellowish light, his canines are unnaturally pointy.

Oh Jesus this dude's insane. He's one of those freaks that got his teeth filed into fangs. I bet under his sweatshirt are scales or something. Great.

"I didn't know this KFC had a drive thru" he smirks.

"It doesn't shitbag" I answer trying to get around him; but every time I try to step around him he appears in front of me.

"Perfect I was going to order largest size" he laughs darkly.

"Did you just call me fat?" I yell ready to deck this guy in jaw. But before I can even hit him he has me pinned against a brick wall."Oh so you're a gay rapist" I respond annoyed.

I feel a sharp pain on my neck and sure enough the freak is biting down. Before I can react my body is flooded with pain. It hurts so fucking much. My knees give out in and I'm in the snow. He's now sucking on my neck. I'm in too much pain to be disgusted. I try to scream but nothing will come out. Out of nowhere he stops. "Shit" he curses under his breath and shoves my body behind some garbage cans and cardboard boxes. Everything hurts.

My face is right in front of a garbage can so I can't see anything. "Hey Jack" says the asshole.

"Shut the fuck up" growls another voice. Definitely a guy, also kind of young. "I'm sick and tired of you trying to take over my turf. You think because my senses aren't as enhanced as yours or any of the others you can just push me around" he spits. "Not anymore" he whispers cynically.

There's a crash and someone screams. Then there's a loud shattering noise and then the dark alley is lit up by a flickering light and I smell smoke. Silence. Pain.

 ** _Stan_**

Someone's kissing my neck. I'm not really sure how this even happened but it feels amazing. Like electricity's moving from their lips to my neck, down my spine, and traveling through my whole body. They're stroking my arm. The hand drifts down towards my inner thigh. The hand is light and has a few freckles scattered on it, the fingers are long and slender.

"Big Harry and Mike in the morning talking to you about Puparazzi. It's a great movie about a dog that…" I sit up in bed and shut off the alarm. Slowly I get out of bed and start my morning routine.

By the time I get to the bus stop Kyle and Kenny are already there talking. "Hey" I greet them. "Morning Stan" replies Kyle sunnily. "Hey dude" says Kenny.

We talk about our weekends until the bus comes. The fatass is nowhere to be found.

"Is Cartman skipping again?" I ask the guys.

"Who cares?" says Kenny and we all laugh as we get on the bus.

The school day was uneventful. When I finally got home I was shocked to find Liane Cartman crying on my living room couch. My mom was sitting next to her trying to console her while my dad is awkwardly standing in the corner.

"Oh good Stan you're home" says mom gratefully. "Have you talked to Eric since last night?" asks mom.

"No. What happened?" I ask.

"He never came home last night" sobs Liane.

"But Liane, you said he's done this kind of thing before. He's probably fine" comforts my mom.

"I don't know Sharon I just have a bad feeling about this" worries "My poor poopykins" she chokes out. I roll my eyes and head upstairs.

It's when I get in my room and look at my messy bed that I remember my dream. Even though no one's around my cheeks heat up. I wonder if it was someone I knew or just some random dream girl.

 **Kyle**

It was pretty nice not having Cartman around for the first two days, but on the third day I hate to admit it I actually was starting to feel something that almost resembled concern. Almost.

 **Cartman**

I have no fucking clue how much time has gone by. I think the sun might have come up and went down at some point. All I knew for sure was everything burned. It burned so much I couldn't feel how cold the snow is.

Honestly I just wanted to die. I prayed for it all to end. I just wanted to die. Everyone was right. I am a horrible person. This must be hell.

But then it slowly, like so fucking slowly it started to fade. As the pain began to fade I became more aware of my surroundings.

I was covered in snow, it wasn't as cold as snow should be though. By the smell of it I was still in the KFC alley. I could hear people inside the KFC. Someone was ordering corn. Who the fuck goes to KFC just for the corn?

Finally the pain completely subsided so I tried to stand up. I shot up out of the snow. That was too easy for someone who was passed out in alley for an unknown amount of time. Wait? How the fuck was I able to hear people inside the KFC? How the fuck was I still able to hear them and people from the surrounding businesses. And holy shit the alley reeked. What did they throw out while I was laying there?

All of a sudden I felt this intense hunger in the pitt of my stomach. It spreads up to my chest and then my throat. It actually burns. It was nothing compared to the burn from before, but it was still as uncomfortable as hell. Speaking of hell I guess I wasn't there and everyone was wrong about me. Bastards.

I must be hungry. I could finally get my KFC. As I walk out of the alley it didn't seem as dark as it did before even though it was night.

The second I opened the door of the KFC I was overwhelmed by the smell. But it was more than just the chicken. I could smell everything. I could hear everything. I could read the tiny print of the certificate of approval from the health department all the way in the back of the restaurant. What the fuck is going on?

No one was in line so I walk up to the register to order.

"Hey Eric, the usual?" asks Sue the cashier.

"Ummm yeah" I replied sliding my credit card across the counter to her. She swipes it through the card reader and hands it back to me.

Sue must be in her late 50s. I see her here all the time. She's a nice lady but a cow of a woman. Why did I want her? She smells amazing. The burning was worse. I had the sudden urge to jump over the counter and bite down on her neck.

Shit I must be really hungry. How long was I out for?

"Enjoy" she says with a smile sliding me a tray with a bucket of KFC extra crispy chicken. "Those contacts are really creepy" she says with a laugh.

I used every ounce of self control to walk away from her. As I approach a table I realize I had no desire to eat the chicken I was holding. I sat down and took a bite out of a drumstick. It tasted like cardboard. What the hell is wrong with me?

Am I sick or something. Even when I'm sick I still like KFC.

I notice a family sitting in the booth in front of me. They smell amazing. I start to get up and head over to their table when I stop myself. What was I doing?

I ran out of the restaurant back into the alley. Some homeless guy with a shopping cart is rummaging through some of the garbage cans. Before I can stop myself I'm on top of him. I bite down on his neck and he screams as I drink his blood. He stops thrashing and then before I know it he's dry. The burning is gone.

That was kind of gay.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 **Cartman**

Finally I realized what's going on. I'm a vampire. When the Twilight movies were a thing my mom made me watch them all with her. I'd never admit this to anyone but I actually liked them. So much that I read all the books. The vampires in the book lived the lives I've always wanted. Power, money and uhhh Love.

It all makes sense. That bitch Stephanie Myers didn't make it up. I must be immortal than. Cool.

I start the walk back to my house. This is going to be awesome. I'm going to be 17 forever. I'll be around for so long I that I'll become rich and powerful.

I pass Kenny's house and wonder what the guys have been up to.

Shit I'm going to outlive everyone I know.

Who needs those assholes? I have an eternity to meet cooler people.

But in the back of my mind there's a voice saying it doesn't matter. That I'll never be happy without them.

I try to ignore it but it just gets louder and I cave. As much as I hate to admit it to myself I need them.

Most people don't stick around me too long but somehow I've kept the same three friends for almost my entire life. Honestly I don't think I could ever find another person who will put up with my shit, definitely not another entire new group of friends.

I'm going to have to change them and I'm going to have to be smart about this. They can't know that I changed them because I need them emotionally. I need a reason. I'll have to convince them that I need them for other purposes. My vampire legion.

Each member of my legion would serve a purpose. I'm not putting up with any deadweight.

 **Kenny**

I was feeling up this really hot girl with huge boobs. Things were about to get even hotter when she reached for my belt buckle. Out of nowhere she bit my neck sexily.

It's the pain that wakes me up. It burns and is slowly spreading through out my body. My eyes shoot open to my dark room.

Someone lifts and flings me over their shoulder in a fireman's carry. The pain is unbearable. I try to scream but I can't make a sound.

"Hey Kenny" whispers a voice. Cartman. "Don't worry man it'll all make sense soon" he continues. "I've got it all figured out"

What the hell is this asshole talking about? What the fuck is he doing to me. Everything hurts too much for me to move. I'm paralyzed. Carmen tightens his grip on me climbs out my

open window. If I could just die all this would be over.

 **Stan**

That girl was kissing my neck again. At least I thought it was a girl. When her hand started stroking my inner thigh I wasn't so sure anymore. Even though her fingers were slender and long they were around the same size as mine, probably bigger. Was it a guy? I'm not gay. Am I?

Out of nowhere my neck starts burning. My eyes flutter open to a huge dark shape is sitting next me on my bed; my window is open.

"Hey Stan" greets Cartman casually. Before I can ask him what the fuck is going on a wave of pain washes over my body and I'm rendered helpless. Cartman somehow senses my pain.

"You'll understand soon Stan" explains Carman while, effortlessly throwing me over his shoulder. He carries me over to my window and jumps out of it. Right before we hit the ground I slip out of his arms and land face down in the snow. I can't feel it at all.

"Shit" curses Cartman and starts cracking up.

Fucking fatass.

 **Kyle**

There's a sharp pain in my neck. I shoot up in bed and bump my head on something really hard. My head throbs along with my neck. Somehow the pain from my neck is spreading to my chest.

"Woah that didn't hurt at all" says Cartman's voice. "You just slammed your forehead into my chin and that didn't even hurt" he continues surprised.

"What the hell…?" is all I can choke out before the pain completely takes over.

"You'll be thanking me for this later Jew" says Cartman. He picks me up and slings me over his right shoulder.

What the hell is he doing? He approaches the window I just noticed was open and tightens his grip on my legs. No no no no. Cartman launches out the window but somehow lands on his feet in my front yard. My body's on fire. What the fuck did he do to me?


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm so sorry this took 5ever**

Chapter 3

 **Stan**

I wake up on cold tile. The pain was still there but it was much duller than before. Actually it was still getting duller. Slowly I open my eyes. It takes a second for my eyes to adjust but when they do I have to squeeze them shut again it was so overwhelming.

Slowly I open them again and it's the same. I'm surrounded by sleeping bodies. I can see every detail from the stitches on their clothes to the individual strands of their hair. I can easily identify Kenny in front of me, his messy blonde hair, gangly shape and orange hoodie are a dead give away, but Kyle's even easier to recognize.

He's facing me from about 10 feet away but I swear I can see everything single freckle on his face. Across the room I'm able recognize a few others. The mound of curly blonde hair across the room in red pjs is Bebe, and next to her in pink pjs and long silky black hair is definitely Wendy.

We dated for a while during Freshman year but it only lasted 8 months. I mean before then we dated on and off since third grade but it was't till high school that it was actually serious. We've always liked each other a lot but it wasn't until we started really dating that we realized we had no romantic chemistry.

It was Wendy who initiated the break up and at first I was really upset and got depressed again. But we talked about it and I realized she was right we never really had "those kind of feelings". We've maintained a close friendship ever since.

Slowly I sit up. Most of the pain is gone except a moderate burning sensation in my throat. Now that I'm sitting up I can see everyone else in the room. Token, Nichole, Butters, Tweek, Craig and Jimmy.

Upstairs I hear a TV playing, it's a commercial for cheesy poofs. I hear someone coming down the stairs. They're heavy on their feet it must be Cartman. It then hits me that we're in Cartman's basement. All his gaming equipment is pushed into the corner.

"Ahhh Stan you're the first one up" comments Carman as he walks down the stairs.

"What's going on fatass?" I ask pissed off. This must be another one of his schemes.

"That's no way to address your leader" replies Carment smugly. "I'll explain when the others wake up" he continues.

I'm about to argue with him but my throat hurts too much to yell.

It takes a couple hours but finally everyone has woken up. I asked Cartman why we couldn't just wake them up ourselves but he just said they needed more time. I don't know what the fuck that meant.

Kenny was the first to wake up then Kyle. We just talked amongst ourselves until the last person, Bebe finally woke up.

"I'm sure you're all wondering why you are all here" announces Cartman dramatically.

I bet the piece of shit is loving all of this.

"Congratulations you are all members of my Legion of Darkness" says Cartman.

"What the fuck does that mean?" mumbles Kenny

"You're all vampires" clarifies Cartman.

"This is the most stupid joke I've ever been involved in" complains Bebe.

"No guys I'm serious" says Cartman. "Check out the fangs and my eyes" says Cartman gesturing to his teeth and eyes.

"Yeah fake teeth and contacts, big deal" mocks Kyle.

"They're real Jew, you have them too"

Kyle opens his mouth and sure enough fangs are there. We all feel our teeth and surprisingly sharp fangs are where our canines were. And now that I'm actually looking at everyone conscious I realize we all have blood red irises. Even Kyle's once bright green eyes are red.

"Haven't you noticed your enhanced abilities?" asks Cartman. I think back to hearing the commercial playing all the way upstairs.

"That burning in your throat?" he continues.

Everyone reaches for their throat.

"It's your new thirst for blood"

 **Kyle**

The room erupts into an outcry.

"This has to be a prank" says Token.

"It's a pretty elaborate prank" replies Stan.

"If you don't believe me then try and resist this" says Cartman as he walks to the basement closet. He opens the door and a body falls out.

A few people gasp. Nichole looks like she's going to be sick. Based on the body's ratty clothes and smell it must be a homeless person. But amongst the smell of filth there's also another smell. A delicious kind of smell. All of a sudden I'm overwhelmed by a whole new type of hunger. Before I can think I'm biting down on the homeless man's neck and sucking his blood. All the others descend on him so I hiss at them. They back off.

"That's not kosher" mocks Cartman.

I'm too hungry to care.

 **Kenny**

This is fucking weird. I'm eating some homeless guy in Cartman's basement with all my friends.

After Kyle lunged at the first Homeless guy Cartman brought a few more from upstairs. I even knew a few of them. No one could resist, we were all too hungry. It didn't take long for us to finish and when we did everything that happened sunk in. We were all vampires.

"Cartman did you do this to us?" asks Wendy angrily.

"Don't say it like that" says Cartman. "I did you guys a favor. You have enhanced abilities, you're getting more attractive, you'll live forever" he says.

"And what the fuck made you think you had the right to play god?" screams Wendy.

For half a second Cartman looks upset but then it's gone and his smug face is back.

"You'll thank me for this later" reassures Cartman.

"We ate someone Cartman. That thirst is going to come back and we're going to do it again" I yell.

"I'm going to outlive Charlotte" cries Butters.

"Don't worry man, I'll let you turn her. We can turn our mates" explains Cartman.

"I guess it's ok then" sniffles Butters.

"Butters do you really want to put Charlotte through what Cartman is putting us through?" asks Wendy.

"I didn't think of that" says Butters and bursts into tears.

"We'll get through this" Butters I say trying to comfort him and pat him on the back.

"Thanks Kenny" chokes out Butters in between sobs.


End file.
